Friday, December 12, 2008

Hitler had A ball...

And apparently only A ball. Now, this might not seem like news to many of you, but there's been a one ball buzz building. I was chatting with a British friend the other night and she asked, "Did you hear Hitler only had one ball?" My response was no, but sing a few bars and I'll hum along.

That was the last words that ever passed between us.

I kid I kid!

So the conversation goes on, and apparently we Yanks don't take enough interest in dead potentate's lack of potency. It's all the buzz back in Europe. British news papers were all over the story.

Friends, keep this knowledge close to your heart. The next time one of your snooty friends says, "I don't read American news, in fact I think the American News should be spelled with a "Z" (which they would probably cal a "zed" which is limey for "zee"). Newz, like Cheez Whiz."

At this point, just remind them of this story. Oh your precious British journalism, always tackling the tough issues like how many testicles Hitler had. The one truly amazing thing I learned from this is that there is a word for the ball deprived. Monorchic. I think the "Celar Door" of sentences has got to be "He became monorchic through defenestration."

Getting past this, I tried to come to grips with this testicle fever (Many of you were nearly titillated by that last sentence. If you'd like, please read it again while picturing me and deleting the last word. I'll be here when you get back). My first thought was, why? The knowledge of an undercurrent of Hitler sack stories fascinates me because it seems so inherently un-fascinating. Do we need more reasons to make fun of Hitler? Is there a person out there who is on the fence about the guy?

"Hmm," thinks this random idiot, "I just don't know about this Hitler guy. I mean SURE the Holocaust was lame, but it takes balls to rock that mustache. What's that you say? It only takes ball to rock that mustache? Man, that guy is LAME! Thank you Daily Telegraph"

The next thing to rocket through my brain was how the hell did they prove that? The guy has been dead and incinerated for over 60 years. Did they save the ash? Has genetic engineering and the interwebs finally given us a way to distinguish ball ash from standard man ash? Did they sift out the ball ash, weigh it and come to the conclusion, "There is no way that this ash was produced by two testes." Was there a dissenting opinion that the ash was produced by two very small balls? Science doesn't happen in a vacuum (though some sort of scientific vacuum would be most useful in gathering the evidence) after all.

It turns out the evidence was a note from a priest who had a conversation with a doctor who treated Hitler after he'd been shot in the nuts during the battle of The Somme. The medics called Hitler "The Screamer" (which coincidentally is what I called my X-girlfriend [Hai-Oh!]). Now, I'm not trying to defend Hitler, but dude did get shot in the nards. I'm pretty sure my nickname would be "The Screamer" then later "The Weeper" and eventually, "That Dude With the Prosthetic Ball That Fools No One."

Which leads me to another point, balls are, generally speaking, unattractive things. I was blessed with beautiful, some would say angelic, testes. Sadly, they were marred in a freak shaving accident (or rather series of accidents, but that's a story for another time), but once upon a time I had the scrote of an Adonis. When your balls are horribly misshapen or mangled, do you attempt a comb over? Perhaps a particularly luxuriant merkin?

So, Hitler had but one nut. We've got conclusive evidence, a 45 year old second hand note. Now that we know that, so much makes sense.

What drove this man to rise to such dizzying and horrifying power?

Easy, compensating for one nut.

What fueled his hate, his genocidal rage?

Did you not hear? He had one nut.

Newz like this makes me realize that were all a little nuts.

If you'd like to learn more about Adolph Hitler and his lonesome ball (which is the title of the worst poem ever written)follow the link.


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