Tuesday, February 21, 2006

S.O.L.'s Aqua Buggy

From The Bottom of the Marianas Trench I Give You: AQUAPUNDITRY!

From the observation bubble of my winter cottage here at the bottom of the Challenger Deep I am afforded time to think. You see, at these depths a lump of coal would be turned to diamond in a matter of mere millenia, in addition to keeping the pesky paparazzi at bay, this pressure serves to clear my head, squeezing out Mr. Bad Thoughts and making way for Madame Minds All Clear!

At these times, I like to focus on the sad plight of you gasping surface worlders. I am especially enamoured of your TV ads for lotion. As I bask on my clam-shell throne I am delighted by my luxuriously supple flanks. Moisture is a gift the sea provides in spades! No need to find it in a plasticene bottle, but I digress.

I have been most entertained and terrified by your debates over this "Inteligent Design." For the record, Aquapundit! (AKA SuperOceanLad) thinks it's crap. I know, I know, with the rippling musculature of my bronze skinned torso leading elegantly into my powerful be-scaled tail flukes and my ability to simultaneously please a human woman and a chilean sea bass with my "magic trident," you'd think I'd be the poster child for inteligent design. I, bible thumpers, am not.

Anyhoo, check this out. Aquapundit! says indeed, right on and preach it mutha 'effer! My favorite quote is from George Coyne, director of the Vatican Observatory who said, "The intelligent design movement belittles religion. It makes God a designer - an engineer," and this, people, is from the freakin' Vatican! It took them several hundred years of sailing all the way around the world and not falling off to admit this rock was round. Hop on board!

Aquapundit! says read it all you lazy lubbers!


From the Files of Eff Squad (2-21-06)

This is a bit horrifying, but a lesson must be learned. For those of you too lazy to click the link, a woman lost her arm in a car accident and the arm was found still clutching her cell phone (No word on whether her other arm was still clutching the vodka bottle). If you need a better illustration of the dangers of cell phone use while driving you've got issues. F.Y.I. SuperOceanLad never gets behind the control yoke of his aqua-buggy while talking on the phone. That is why Jesus made text messaging!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

State of the Union Adress Shocks World! (2-1-06)

People and Pundits agreed, Bush wasn't going to say anything surprising last night. Same old same old, Democracy Rulz and Radical Islam is for sissies. Well, about seven minutes in, Bush’s lips parted like the red sea and what came through those frightening gates has Americans abuzz! That's right, George said "terror." Yup, you read right! He said terror with two syllables!

Sad to say, that was pretty much the highlight. Sure he took activist judges to task for destroying Western Civilization by forcing straight men to go fishing in Wyoming and he talked about Iran as if they were porking his daughter, but we expected that. We learned that the only alternative to isolationism is bombing the dog snot out of other countries. He also said we're going to kick the oil habit, but am I really supposed to believe that from the boy who cried AIDS assistance in Africa?

About twenty-five minutes into the broadcast the cameras lingered on a German shepherd who somehow scored tickets. I think he actually got Cindy Sheehan's seat last minute like. Visually, this was the highlight of the evening. After panning again and again across the crowd of congresspersons, I was ready for a change. These people have the fashion sense of a herd of straight lemmings. "So, uhh, Senator Bob, how are you going to stand out in your black suit?" "Well, Senator Dave, I'm going to wear a red tie!" "Hey, Senator Bob, that's a smashing idea, so will I and then I'll stand out too!" Next time, while the president prattles on, just pan across a sea of cute puppies.

Here's an idea, kill two birds with one stone! Combine The State of the Union with The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Make GW mix in critiques of shih tzus with his Iran rants. It could fill in the space where he didn't talk about Hamas.

Well, GW did announce some new initiatives. Of course, I have absolutely no idea what any of them are. There is The American Competitiveness Initiative, which I think means Americans will have to engage in some sort of competition to get health care. The details were sketchy, but I think the American Gladiators will become a quasi-military organization akin to the Coast Guard and will be armed with tennis ball cannons and stationed in front of pharmacies and clinics. I think there was also The Puppies to Sad People Initiative. This one was about oil dependency. Seriously, I have no idea! He names them and that's it. Has this guy heard of PowerPoint?

And that's my point, my SuperOceanLad Point of Power (TM), why don't we have the State of the Union Power Point Presentation brought to you by ARCO (ARCO is just a place holder 'til we get real sponsorship)? It would be a welcome change over a series of two minutes of careful slow speech to avoid 'ef ups followed by "spontaneous applause."

Anyway, I'm done. I'm going to return to my aquatic lair. Frankly, you dry landers are beginning to bore the neoprene tights off of me.


Addendum from Jay:Pardon the intrusion. However, wanted to direct folks to a less content-free SOTU from our man Wes.