Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Scientists Continue to Grease Path to Hell

In an attempt to seal their role as the fourth horseperson of the apocalypse, scientists at the China Agricultural University have bred 300 cows that make human milk....at last! Once they teach those cows to change a diaper, give a hug and walk in on you while you're masturbating, we'll no longer need human moms. Thanks Science, what other tedious tasks can you warp animals to do for us? Maybe invent a lemming that laughs? A spider monkey that makes perfect omelets? How about a dugong that has ferocious orgasms so I wont have to?

Seriously Science, I'm on your side. I think what you did with that whole polio thing was fantastic and I love my ShaveMate Titan (Six blades and shaving cream in the handle? I feel like a wizard from space!), but have you considered rethinking your focus? How about cobra-proof glass? Some sort of Man-Spatula for defatguying a barcalounger? Shoes that dance so we don't have to? Instead you make a cow that can feed 6 toddlers at once, omniscient dating robots that hook us up with our sisters and the flowbee.

Science, can we talk frankly for a moment? Man to intellectual pursuit? You've really let us down. I was supposed to have a rocket belt by now, instead, its getting harder and harder to find one that's even black on one side and brown on the other. We were supposed to travel in tubes and work on the moon, instead, nearly 70% of Americans are Walmart greeters. My car was supposed to drive itself, travel through time and make me a Perfect Manhattan (Note to stupid car and bartenders at Golden West, "Perfect" when applied to a Manhattan is not an adjective, it's a directive, but I'm going to give you a pass and blame science for this one too.). But my car still makes me drive and now when I go to the coffee shop I have to specify half-and-half, 2%, or homo sapien.

Science, this is your last warning; stop giving animals exciting new features like the glow monkey and the pig with the person spleen (Also the title of my upcoming children's book) and find a way to make cable cheaper.

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At 10:58 AM, April 22, 2011, Anonymous Jonathan said...

Brilliance wrapped up in comedic genius! Thank you for saying what nobody has been been saying and giving me a sparkly eyed smile.


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